Losing Myself

Recently, the obligatory calls to Burly Boy was constrained. It was impatience and hurried conversations that replaced the loving talks I had for him. I have changed. I have turned into somebody whom I don’t know. And the depth of this absurdity stuns me.

 

Honestly, I wouldn’t know if it’s the marriage jitters or the monthly bout of depression (read: PMS) that got me into this mess. So suddenly, I find myself losing faith in marriage, in love and in Burly Boy. There is not a thing he’s done that inculcated these thoughts in me. But, it came ever so gradually, seeping bit by bit into my system unknowingly.

 

I’ve tried countless means to rid these evil thoughts before they start to overwhelm me and eat into our relationship. I’ve also tried pushing negativity away even before it hits me. But they just keep coming back.

 

Just last week, Burly Boy spouted something along the lines of “you’ve changed. it’s been a long time since you last spoke nicely to me. what happened?” 

 

I was rendered speechless. 

 

All I could do was look at him in the eye – guiltily. I don’t have any answers to his questions. Well, perhaps I have. But there is this naggy feeling in me to just keep my mouth shut. I wasn’t even propelled to answer his questions at all.

 

Sometimes, I wonder, why do I allow myself to harbour evil thoughts that sap my energy and life away? I should find the magnanimous soul in me to accept things as they are. I’m constantly swarmed with emotions and stuck in a rut languishing; I don’t let things pass easily. And that pollutes me.

 

And I just realised, that I have not laughed heartily for a long time. My smiles no longer reach my eyes. Ouch, that sure hurts.

 

And I wondered too, if it’s because I stopped loving Burly Boy. Funnily, that thought alone  scared the bejesus out of me. :s

 

Looking back, I really wonder where did I find the strength to sustain this relationship. I’m awed.

 

And I think, this is could just be the start of a beautiful mistake.

 

 

Dreaded Thoughts

I feel bad in saying this but nowadays, I really feel like having a break away from Burly Boy. Don’t get me wrong here; it’s not that the love factor is running low. Rather, I think it’s the seasonal change in me that brought up this negativity. I’ve tried to view things in another light. But whenever I get somewhat near to it, it just bounces back to square one immediately.

What’s worst is that the more I aim to set things right, the worst it gets. The more I seek, the more it seems to evade from me. This is just so tedious. :((((((

Times like this gives me the notion of drifting away from him. As far as possible. I wouldn’t mind a week’s absence and run off to a faraway land and recharge. I’ve heard of people recharging due to stress at work. But I think I might be the first to say that I need a breather from a relationship, no?

You know the ”it’s not you, it’s me” that is sucking me away from this relationship. I’ve told friends about this and I’m very glad that they can totally understand what I’m going through now. I thank you all for the encouragement and such. I’ll try my very best to absorb them and hopefully this will go away after some time. Like it always did.

No doubt, I know it’s plain selfish of me to be saying this when Burly Boy doesn’t even have the faintest idea on what I’m thinking. But there are many reasons why I don’t want to share this with him. For one, I rather go through this myself, and come out of it stronger, than to tell him what I feel, and subject two parties to misery.

At this crucial stage, every little thing he does irks me to no end. For I only focus and emphasize on his bad points. Even though the things that he do comes from good heart, I’ll simply brush it aside and find him a nag.

Don’t misunderstand. He’s a very good boyfriend. A very good person to be with. But just sometimes, I like being with myself. Just myself.

And of all ironies, I used to be so afraid of loneliness and isolation. But now, I welcome it with a very warm embrace. 

Admittedly, I do look forward to the days when he’s not around. This is how badly I yearn for and want my own space. I know it’s unhealthy yadda yadda but then again, I can’t help it. I rather be sunk into nothingness and solitude than begrudgingly accept the companion of someone. I have indeed, grown to like the feeling of being detached from the world.

For now, I think I might have fallen in love with the deafening silence that goes around me. Shhhh…

 

Misc Stuffs

Being bored at work, I looked through my email and came upon drafts of posts which I can never publish. And I was filled with sympathy for myself. I never knew that there are so many stuffs that I’ve been keeping within me…

I think for the time being, I better stick to writing sensational posts in my email until my wordpress is fixed. Till then, some things are better left unsaid. :)

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I’ve been exercising alot these days. And limiting my intake of junk food. I must say I feel alot better, more rejuvenated and refreshed. And on some days, I do feel that my clothes are beginning to look a tad too big on me. I can feel it, just feel it. ;) And oh, I can’t tell you how good I feel when I hear comments that go ”I feel that you’ve slimmed down”. It never fails to perk me up. :D

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My sleeping hours are kinda back on track. I can fall asleep by midnight and wake up to a charged person. I had never felt that way before. So now, I aim to:-

1. Cut down on my intake of alcohol

2. Have normal sleeping hours

3. Exercise

4. Eat healthily

I believe above-mentioned steps are doable if I persevere. And I will.

Cheer me on, friends. :)

Short Fuse

Recently, I tend to blow up over the slightest things. My tolerance level for anger had diminished so suddenly, I can’t for the life of me, fathom what went wrong.

I just grew so sick of everything and lethargy further adds on to it. I’m more irritable than usual and it pisses me alot. I get all fidgety and concentration seems to evade me every other minute……

Well, I had always been a sucker for controlling my emotions. But as usual, Burly Boy’s been at the brunt of it. He’s at the receiving end of my wrath and I bet he doesn’t feel any good about it too. You know I meant it when I say that I can’t stop  myself from teetering between angst and sadness.

Don’t ask me what triggered this mixed feeling. I do not know the answer myself. But I bet many of you will link it to my ”obsession with the unknown”. Well, it might be, it might not be…

 

Doing the Impossible

I think I’m seriously deluded here. Certain things in life have got me so mindfucked that I find myself doing things that I wouldn’t do on normal circumstances. 

I’m ruled by my heart.

 

Where Privacy is Nulled

Sometimes I really regret giving people my blog address. Because in doing so, I had indirectly restricted myself in the way I pen my thoughts. I have to censor every little thing that will cause me to be judged, or that will hurt someone’s feelings.

I once had a blog that is almost non-existent. Back then, I could write as freely as I wanted to. Without giving two hoots to anyone’s feelings. I could write about all my pent-up frustrations and little thoughts that no one knew. I wrote in unburdened liberation. That was the real me, I suppose. 

At times, I wanted to throw all caution to the wind and write as I felt/thought. But, when pragmatism sets in, I hold myself back from publishing the post(s) that I so wanted to.  

Yes, I could act all nonchalant and go ahead with my intention. But I couldn’t do so because, I’m afraid of repercussions, if any. I like to share a part of my life with friends who bothered to care. Who bothered to know what’s going on in my life, my mind. However, critical remarks were given oftentimes. This prevents me from penning my thoughts forthrightly. 

Although this little ounce of privacy that I have left is being intruded upon, I can only say that for now, I’m happy like it is although I’m constantly trying to make this space a subjectively private one…

p.s A big thank-you to those who cared and asked after my dad. :D He’s fine and we’re all coping with it. Well, I do want to believe that the ailment will go away after some time. :)

Upset

Last night, I went back to a sombre house.

Everyone was reeling in shock over my dad’s ailment. Though it’s a minor one, I can’t help but feel that dad is aging. No, I do not learn of this overnight. But the diagnosis by thedoc kind of served as a wake up call for me. 

We fussed over him, telling him repeatedly not to do the things the doc advised him not to, and paid more attention to his behaviour. We know he’s affected as well, but as usual, he put on a brave front – for us. I applaud him for that. 

Mom’s equally worried, and we can see the effort she puts in (for eg, speaking in low voices and volume of the telly were brought down a few notches). 

I believe that even though there’s no medication to cure dad of this ailment, our tender loving care will.

God bless.
 

Summary

Just got back from a short trip -Genting Highlands- with Burly Boy and friends. It was a pretty boring place to be in, especially when both of us had never taken up the art of gambling. However, I believe that all short getaways are meant to do some rejuvenation to your soul. Which, thankfully, it did.

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I haven’t been blogging much since god knows when. I was always procrastinating and bitching about how hard life is, when there are so many more people out there who are in worst fates than me. I guess I still haven’t learnt how to count my blessings after all these years. :/

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My heart ached for one of my best friends, who is currently facing the hardest hurdle in her life. She had always kept up a cheery front, keeping mum about the problems that bothered her. Beneath the facade, she’s anything but that. My heart tore at the things she revealed. As I absorbed the hard truth, anger surfaced and I wished I am able to lay my hands on that jerk’s face. Flesh against flesh, with bones crackling at the impact.

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I’ve been noticing some hearing problems in my dad. Through persistency, we’ve managed to cajole him into visiting an ear specialist. Today’s the day for his consultation and my two little fatties just updated me that the doc had diagnosed him with mild hearing impairment. What’s worst is that there’s no medication to it and all he can do is to avoid listening to music with his earphones, which is a hard habit to break for him. :(

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Have you ever regretted befriending someone? Or actually regretted the birth of a friendship? 

 

What a letdown I am.

I’m so upset at myself. 

The birthday week had not gone as I wanted to. It took an awry turn and left my family so disappointed in me. My papa, who had to wake up bright and early the next day, stayed up late to wait for me, for the cake cutting celebration he had in mind. Because, he believes that a birthday’s not an exactly a birthday without a cake. And I all but spent the entire night in a pub, drinking myself senseless. My two fatties were even more so disappointed as they had travelled far and wide to get the only cake that I eat.

In fact, unbeknownst to them, I’ve really tried to excuse myself from the friends who kept wanting the birthday girl drunk. I ended up leaving them to their drinks a little after 12 midnight. But alas, I was not in time as my dad had fallen asleep on the couch while waiting for me. This tears at my heart. God dammit. 

Until now, I’m being treated to cold shoulders at home. God, I can’t stand others being disappointed in me. Because, I find that disappointment is the worst that a person can feel in you. I know this will pass very soon, as do every other year, but fuck it, I’ve never really been a filial girl that every daddy wants.

That aside, I think I had injured Burly Boy’s pride over the weekend as well. We were drinking at a pub together with a bunch of friends when I drank more than I could afford to, and got sloshed out. But I didn’t stop it at that. I carried things a little further by dancing the dance of a seducer who was out to seduce the crowd. Shouts of cheers prompted me, egging me on as I got more ecstatic. He was upset. Because he never liked his girlfriend to showcase her bod out there, as he puts it.

All in all, it was a bad week for me. I didn’t want it to be so, but god knows, I harboured no such intentions to hurt anyone emotionally this way. I’ve suffered worst, because when scenes of disappointments arise, I can’t help but think that I’m a pathetic soul after all.

 

Mind over body, body over mind

This monthly bout of depression is driving me crazy. I believe that in no time to come, I’ll start losing myself to this mind torturer.

Fuck the hormones.